shuffle surprises on iTunes #3

yep. pretty much.

fleetwood mac - bleed to love her

once again she steals away
when she reaches out to kiss me
and how she takes my breath away
pretending that she won't miss me

oohh i would bleed to love her
bleed to love her
oohh i would bleed to love her

and once again she calls to me
then she vanishes in thin air
and how she takes my breath away
pretending that she's not there

oohh i would bleed to love her
bleed to love her
oohh i would bleed to love her

somebody's got to see this through
all the world is laughing at you
somebody's got to sacrifice
if this whole thing's going to turn out right

oohh i would bleed to love her
bleed to love her
oohh i would bleed to love her

mr. fitzgerald, mr. gaiman and me

flashes of inspiration have been coming to me more frequently but they have taken more personal forms. in other words, i've taken to writing poetry that only a few sets of eyes have seen.

but when i found out that on today, april 10th, in 1925, the great gatsby was published, i was immediately reminded of my favorite all time passage from any novel and so i've decided to blog about it, and about a passage from neil gaiman's american gods that struck me equally hard when i read it.

*from the last page of chapter six of the great gatsby*

"he knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of god. so he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning-fork that had been struck upon a star. then he kissed her. at his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete."

the sheer eloquence of the description of a first kiss is astounding to me. i can't help but believe that fitzgerald did not just pluck these words out of thin air. i would not be surprised if this beautiful use of the language came from an intense and personal experience.

in the not to distant past i have had a somewhat similar experience which i will probably eventually write about. i can only hope that i am able to conjure a miniscule amount of the eloquence that fitzgerald used in this passage.

*from chapter 17 of american gods*

"i could be blindfolded and dropped into the deepest ocean and i would know where to find you. i could be buried a hundred miles underground and i would know where you are."

so simple, yet so profound.

i have written here a lot about a particular someone. this line, from what has become my favorite book, completely and utterly describes exactly how i feel about her. i feel a connection between our souls that will never be broken. that is what i believe neil is describing here. a connection is so deep that nothing, not the deepest ocean, or being under miles of earth, could possibly sever it.

peace

~scott

early morning thoughts

*note* this originally started as a note on my iPhone. i'm including it here unedited. it's a continuation of what i have been writing about here recently. i never intended my blog to be such a bare bones look at my personal life or of my emotions but i am not going to fight where my heart takes me.

*note 2* the person that i have been writing about here has read the note and was quite touched with what i had to say.

*original iPhone note*

i don't understand what is going on. How could someone i've known for such a short time have this profound of an effect on me? i feel horrible for wanting her to break up with her boyfriend to be with me. from everything she tells me she doesn't seem happy in the relationship. he doesn't give her what she needs. i know i would. she is an amazing person. she is funny, smart, confident, cute, and sexy. she brings out a side of me that has always laid dormant.

i feel like i can tell her anything. if you asked me right now who my best friend was i would without a doubt say her. i have a feeling deep in my gut that we could be very happy together. we have so much in common. we always joke that we were separated at birth, or that we are the same person. i wish i could explain the connection i feel with her. i can't though, i just know that there is one.

i want to send her flowers because it's tuesday. i want to leave her a note because it's 9:00. i want to do everything within my power to make her happy because that is what she deserves. i don't think i'll ever get the chance because she is with somebody.

*end of original note*

we talked on sunday evening. it was just general chit chat until she said that she talked to her boyfriend and i felt my heart sink. she told me that she believes that he finally gets it. i hope for her sake that he does because she deserves nothing but the utmost respect and appreciation from whoever she is with.

now i am going to speak directly to her. if you aren't her you can stop reading if you want. if you are susceptible to crying you may want to stop here too because i'm going to get emotional and will probably cry as i type it.

hi,

you know very well how i feel about you. it's something we've talked about a lot. you are a very special person to me and you know that all i want for you is to be happy. the thing is that i am not entirely convinced that you are. maybe my feelings for you cloud my view of your relationship. maybe they don't. either way, i don't think it matters because it is your decision to make and i care about and respect you too much to question your intentions or your need to do what is best for you.

you have been such a good friend to me and i will not jeopardize that. by jeopardizing i mean i will not ask you to leave him to be with me. part of me wants to be selfish and ask you to do that, but i can't. i won't. i just don't have it in me to ask you, or anyone to do that. i already feel like somewhat of a bad person for wanting to be with you when you are already with someone. some, including you, have told me that feeling that way about someone is natural. while i understand that, i'm still having a little trouble coming to terms with that.

believe it or not you are always what i have looked for in someone. i never thought i would find some of the qualities in one person, let alone so many of the qualities that i see in you.

i still hold out a little sliver of hope that there is still a chance for you and i. i know the dangers of that but i don't want to regret completely giving up hope.

so here i am. any time that you need anything. i am serious when i say any time.

here i am if and when you feel that you want to give you and i a chance. i won't be here forever. there will, i'm sure, come a time when i will know that i am ready to give myself to someone else. you have affected me more deeply than i ever expected, so i am not sure when that time will come, but i suppose one never does.

"i want the lot of what you've got. and i want nothing that you're not." - bono from the u2 song original of the species

this is my favorite lyric that anyone has ever written in the history of mankind. it describes quite simply what i want. i want the good and the bad. i want it all. i want you.

i used to do a #ileaveyouwiththis tweet before i went to bed everynight. well here it is in blog form, and it's just for you. it's doesn't say exactly how i feel, but it gets pretty damn close. (just a small note to train. i love your music, i hope that you don't mind i used these lyrics here. same goes for bono and u2 as well.)

train - hey soul sister

hey, hey, hey

your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
i knew i wouldn't forget you, and so i went and let you blow my mind
your sweet moonbeam, the smell of you in every single dream i dream
i knew when we collided, you're the one i have decided who's one of my kind

hey soul sister, ain't the mr. mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know
hey soul sister, i don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
hey, hey,hey

just in time, i'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
you gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny
i'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
i believe in you, like a virgin, you're madonna, and i'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

hey soul sister, ain't that mr. mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know
hey soul sister, i don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight

the way you can't cut a rug, watching you's the only drug i need
you're so gangsta, i'm so thug, you're the only one i'm dreaming of
you see, i can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing i can't be
i want the world to see you be with me

hey soul sister, ain't that mr. mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know
hey soul sister, i don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight,
hey soul sister, i don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
hey, hey,hey

tonight
hey, hey,hey

peace

~scott

what is the definition of gut wrenching?

to me it is that feeling you get when you just feel something isn't going to work out combined with the fact that you knew it probably never had a realistic chance of happening.

i've got two massive knots in my stomach right now, which has probably contributed to my inability to eat regularly for the past week.

let's discuss...

knot number 1: the job knot

i quit my job two weeks ago. i just wasn't happy and i knew that being single and only having myself to support that this would be the right time to move on. i made this decision having no concrete options to move on to. now i have some extra cash in the bank and i've been promised help if it comes to it, although i hate borrowing money from people, it makes me uncomfortable. i interviewed for a position this past tuesday. i thought the interview went well and that feeling was confirmed when i talked to the recruiter on thursday. he also told me that they were hiring for two positions and right now i was number two on their list of potential hires. i was also told that the only reason that i was not number one was because i am asking for more money. lastly i was told that i should expect to hear something by the end of the day on friday. i haven't and i've been a nervous wreck since. although i think i hide it well.

knot number 2: the personal life knot

please refer to my last post for more on the details on what is going on in my personal life. since i've posted that this knot has grown substantially. i won't go into much more detail other than to say i want more than anything for her to be happy, regardless of who she is with.

i wonder how many knots i can maintain in my stomach at the same time. place your bets. i'll update if i get another one.

peace

~scott